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Have finished rotation of dying and almost dead patients..onto the world of ear, nose and throat.
Hate switching rotations every couple of weeks. Urgh.
Spilled coffee on keyboard a few days ago. It's now freaking out on me a little.
Nice to know coanteen donates blood. kakaa. Very proud that` I'm the one who started her on this much painful path. ^___^
Best quotes of the week at work:
"Let's get that patient to be DNR status before the rotting process starts" - by attending physician about a lady who has multiple organ problems, foot ulcer and pretty much no chance of recovery.
"The patient is too stupid for our nephrology department to accept" - another attending about a patient who was drinking and boating, crashed into a tree on an island, tore his kidney off, had cardiac tamponade, open book fracture of his hips, mutiple rib fractures, PE that can't be anticoagulated because of his cardiac tamponade.
"The wife is very nice and long-suffering. It would be so much better for her if the patient were to die." - attending physician about an alcoholic/abusive/very sick patient.
"I don't make other attendings cry. It's loud and annoying when they cry. Why would I make them cry?" - attending physician after he made a new attending in another dept cry. -_-;;;
"The patient used to be alert and difficult. But now that she's sick and sedated, she's easier to deal with." - the attending again, about one of my patients.
Disposted to compassion, my ass. Ha!
Second day at work and already on call. *guh* So busy for the past 12 hours. -_-;;; Completely overloaded with patients.
Attending: Why did you see the patient? I was gonna see the patient.
Resident: I was on my way home when I got paged.
Attending: You're admitting her! I was gonna see her and cure her and send her home.
Resident: You can't cure her. She has chronic renal failure, borderline congestive heart failure and a pneumonia.
Attending: I was going to cure her! We have too many patients! I have to send her home!
Ah. And of course... some brilliant idiot decided that clerks should be on call only until midnight. So that they'll be 'refreshed' the next day. -_-;;; Of course, we don't get the post-call afternoons off anymore since we're 'only' on call until midnight. That's.. less than seven hours from the time I get home till I have to leave the house again. -_-;;;;
*sigh* When am I supposed to schedule in my doctor's appointments now? Very bitter. Very very bitter. Ugh. Internal medicine. It took me until 8 pm to see all my patients anyway so technically, the call's only additional 4 hours. But that's only because I'm having 13 hour work days to begin with. 13 hours? Much better than 17 hours. I don't look forward to walking home at midnight through the deserted campus in Canadian winter. Ugh.
I just can't stop whining. It's not my fault. Life is just...not being reasonable. -_-;;
Have gotten engaged. On December 24, 2003. At Coanteen's house as my own parents have pretty much decided to desert me.
*stares at the diamond ring* Ooooo.... pweety.
Can't believe the Bfie did the whole kneeling thing. 0_o He just doesn't seem the type. Said something like... "You've become my best friend for the last two years, etc. etc... Will you marry me?" Can't remember it all because to my own horror and embarressment, I started crying. ;_; I guess I am a sappy type, despite my moments of denial. He was wearing an apron of all things at the time, given to him for Christmas by me. -_-;;;; Imagine a kneeling man in aprons. -_-;;;;
Also got a painting he drew as Christmas gift - also works as a clock and a ring holder. I gave him a huge Serta Sheep.....to be named Achoo Jr.
And then... we couldn't have sex because we were staying at his parents house. *sigh~*
Had engagement dinner on boxing day - buffet at a hotel... Coanteen's whole family came because my family didn't come. -_-;;; Ah. It is so nice to have adoptive family. My sister came though... which I guess is good enough.
And then bfie's parents took us to Niagara for a trip...and we ate and ate and ate...and now I am much heavier than I was just two weeks ago....
Can't wait to get married.
Ha. Am an idiot. Locked keys in the car. Had to wrestle with car door with incompetent tow truck driver for an hour in Candian winter. Brrrr... Didn't even have to sign anything or show any ID afterwards. Is bfie's car. When asked the tow truck driver how he knows I'm not a car thief, he merely said, "I can tell." -_-;; What's that supposed to mean?
Frazzled.
Stubbed my toe. Now it's bleeding. I hope I haven't stained my landlady's nice cream coloured carpet.
Usual days at work.
Patient: So. I've just been put on coumadin. How dangerous is coumadin?
Doctor: Well. It's rat poison.
Also saw a woman with her 5th unplanned pregnancy. Intense desire to bash her on the head. What were you thinking?!!!!!
Need to work on applications still. Slept all evening yesterday.
Damn. I did get some blood on the carpet after all...
Need...coffee...
Huh.
Urgh. Life is so urgh.
I read somewhere a couple of years ago... I think a book of advices on life. "Always smile and say you're fine when people ask you how you are at work." I've been pretty much living by that line since. Feel like total crap. It just...forces me to whine elsewhere...like...on the blog and to my friends despite my good intentions not to whine....
Will be getting married...what..in a year or so? I don't know. Probably will even have a kid in a couple of years. So weird. -_- Should invite Nahmool and the gang to the wedding. And we'll meet. And Nahmool will me like..."esca's such a geek!!!" -_-;;; Ah. And so old. T_T
This is an entry for Coanteen for apparantly she cries when I don't blog for a long time. And she claims that she has become dehydrated from all the time she criesss (although she sounded fine to me when I talked to her on the phone yesterday).
I was finally able to read the email my mom sent me, despite not having K-font on the old lady's computer which is connected to the internet. And for some reason that seems to be specific to stupid hotmail, the message shows up as strange numbers rather than the symbols you usually get for Korean when you don't have K-font. I saved the message, burnt it onto a cd, pasted the numbers onto Cute HTML to produce a new html file and then opened it. And Voila, there the message was! -_-;; It's too much effort but the best I could do at the time.
Mom's email sounded relatively cheerful although still somewhat distant. She plans to stay away until January at the very least. Ok. I can deal with that. So what if she's missing my engagement dinner.
Have met a patient today with so many family/social problems that she makes my own stressors look extremely puny. Working full time with a cold and stressing over applications while bitchying about unsupportive parents is nothing! NOTHING!! I shall shut up.
I have finished procrastinating...in that I have finally finished the zigsaw puzzle that bfie and I started on the weekend. 750 pieces and I'm missing two. Considering that I vacuumed the room halfway between, God only knows where those two pieces are. What should I do for procrastination now? I have no idea.
One of the doctors is treating the whole office with Christmas dinner. I am slightly stressed about having to go there and eat dinner with these older folks who work at the office...and I worry about my table manners and such. It took me a while to get used to eating at Coanteen's house too. -_-;;;
I bought a little bouquet of flowers for the lady of the house (who also works in the office as a nurse). And put them in water over night so they'll stay fresh. And of course, they tipped over and the tissue paper wrapping them got wet..as I feared an predicted. Had to get new tissue paper. Sigh. Life is so sad and predictable. However, I shall shut up. No more whining. ..... .... ... *whine~~~*
Today, my supervisor told me I need to work more on my differentials. Ah... but that requires thinking. And it was after a urology patient. What do I know about urology other than infections/prolapse/incontinence/stones? I only know such basics. My differentials are so...limited. And thinking is just so.... hard. -_-;;; I don't wanna. I don't wanna...
Will shut up.
Coanteen is so smart. T_T She acutally knows how to write coherently. T_T I envy her. T_T I can't seem to write anything, not surprsingly since I haven't really written anything for years. But that seems to be a problem when trying to write my application for residency program. Gah.
I really hate applications. I really HATE applications. It drives me to constipation. (hey, it rhymes!) It makes me want to stay at work and never come home. But that maybe partially due to the fact that the lady I live with is such a neat person, I feel like a speck of dust or mold when I'm in her house by comparison.
Tried calling Bfie yesterday. The operator recording said it was long distance so I gave up. Tried again today. It actually worked (although I got an answering machine). The bottom line: I was too stupid to punch in the numbers correctly last night. -_-;;;
Doing electives. Think I need to set up electives for January. Too lazy to do so. But the time is getting quite...short.
Read Nahmool's blog about how prelaw boy said her hair is soft. Similar thing happened to me once.
bfie: (rubbing his face on pillow near my head) your hair's so soft.
esca: (knowing that my hair's NOT soft) 0_o really?
bfie: (dreamily) yeah... (pulls at the hair)
esca: 0_o wait a minute. this is not my hair. it's the hair on our stuffed grinch's leg. -_-;;;;;
bfie: -___-;;;;
Coanteen dearest. I've forgotten to post your poems for the purpose of acting like we have a life outside of school... I will try to do so at bfie's place this weekend...as...although the old lady I'm living with has high speed internet, it is connected to her computer, not mine.
Zoro! Your best match is Zoro! Serious, dedicated, and
tender, although he will take care of your
needs, he may escape right after. Or roll over
and catch some Z's. He's not one to hang around
once his mission is accomplished, but he'll
"last" forever AND he'll bust the
headboard getting you off!
Which One Piece Character is Your Best Sex Partner? (women)
brought to you by Quizilla
A new One Piece episode! I wonder if I'll have time to watch it before I have to go to clinics in the afternoon.
Psych test is over. It was as retarded as was expected but there are no more tests until almost the end of medical school...so that is good at least...
Have been working on some One Piece and Naruto doujinshi. Should I submit them to the yaoi anthology that I'm participating or just put them up on my fuck site? I've been neglecting my fuck site quite a bit...and the deadline for the anthology is still several months away... Hmmmmm...
I think I am completely obsessed with One Piece. -_-;;; I've spent days downloading so that I'll have all my episodes fansubbed by K-F. And now that I have all the ones they've released, I can't wait for the next episode. I've read all the half-decent (and some very stupid) fanfics out there about One Piece. Admittedly, there are not that many...but I need something to feed my obsession.
I have a feeling that this obsession is just a manifestation of my current compulsion due to my anxiety about the applications and my impending practical. Still, it's driving me nuts. I need more Luffy. I need more Sanji. I need more Zoro. I even need more Usoppe. I want to watch Zoro try to cut off his feet...as I've read in the fanfics. -_-;;;;
On a lighter note, seeing a lot of...well...psychopaths in the making at work. Yah. Parents of one of them tried to avoid a trial by having him asessed for "fitness to stand trial." When I asked my supervisor what constitutes "unfit to stand trial", he replied, "Well, if you were dead." Ha. Ha.
Ah. I suppose those entries that pitas lost are never going to be found. -_- Such is life, I suppose.
Having more time now in psychiatry than I did in surgery. It makes me feel completely inefficient..as now I have no excuse to procrastinate. I mean, you can completely relax without any guilt when you're working 80 hour weeks...but not when you're working 30 hour weeks. I don't feel like I have any more spare time than I did in surgery tho. What do I *do* with all my spare time?
All is not well in la-la land with the bfie as he's making me wait *again*. He denies that he is a workaholic. I hate wating... He makes me so annoyed.
Exams in a week an a half...during which time, I'm on call.. three times. Damn.
I did actually skip work today as Coanteen and I had contemplated last night. The decision was easier to make in a sleepy haze this morning. It is now almost 3 pm and i haven't really done anything. I suppose I should do something productive... like... studying that I never get to do after work because I'm too tired.
Got home from clinic at seven. What the hell is that? The clinic was supposed to run till four. -_-;;; A doctor should never be allowed to retire. Because, they then dump all their patients on other doctors who have poor medical studnets dreaming of having a life.
Really, I suppose it wasn't too bad. It was plastics clinic. I got to do all the suturing after the doctor took out whatever lesions were bothering the patients.
I calculated that I will be working about 70 hours this week. I guess I should just smile and say.. Well.. it's better than a couple of weeks ago when I was working 85 hours a week. -_-;;;
Crap. It's near midnight and I just got home. Hate these fucking sixteen-hours-on-your-feet workdays.
Crap. Got an email from mom, finally. It pretty much said: Weather's getting cold. Won't be able to come to give you your blanket. Buy another one. I'm most sad that aftet you two have started having boyfriends, family and siblings have become less than strangers.
Crap. Why is my life so full of bullshit?
Apparantly, my attending has a thing for young girls. =_= Fortunately, I'm not that young anymore and not blond...so he only pats me on the back or leads me around with a hand on a shoulder. Plus, he's only my height and quite sweet..so completely unintimidating. It was funny though when the second years visited yesterday. They were young and blond and he was doing everything he could to please them... personally teaching them how to tie knots... kakaka.
I hate doing applications.....so I will procrastianate... forever... and ever... and...
Started watching Full Moon wo Sagashite in my procrastination. Quite good. I really like the little girl's voice - it's strangely a little hoarse and attractive and clear at the same time. And the male Shinigami is quite cute with his bare tummy. Mmm.
Bfie has a thousand dollar chair at work. It comes with a manual. -_-;;; I wonder if it says "Place your butt here."
Oh geez my feet are killing me. =_= That last 5 hour operation was a little too much. I kept twisting this way and that way, trying to retract the very fatty abdomen. At times like this, I'm glad I'm double jointed. I can retract in places no humans should be able to.
Had a few conversations with the resident and the attending during the operation.
Conversation one:
Resident: If you're standing in the corner of the OR, not even scrubbed in and just watching..and something goes wrong with the surgery and the patient starts crashing, who's fault is it?
Me: Uh... Mine?
Residnet: Right on.
Conversation two:
(at the time, the bowel anaestemosis didn't work and we had to try again)
Resident: Now, who's fault is it that the anaestemosis didn't work?
Me: Mine.
Resident: Right.
Conversation three:
(after much retraction, we come to a part that does not require retraction. Sighing with relief, I move the retractors towards me and out of the way of the surgeon.)
Attending surgeon: Now, now. I know you've become attached to those, but you can't take those retractors home.
Me: Oh? But I can find such good uses for them at home.
It was pretty fun. But my feet are still killing me. *sigh*
Mom hasn't replied yet. She usually replies the next day when I email. I wonder if she's gonna bother.
Another angry email to parents. I got a letter from my dad today. He says I owe him 75 000 dollars and want me to send him 75 postdated cheques after year 2005 of 1000 dollars a month. -_-;;;
_____
I got the letter Dad sent me from Vancouver today. Of course, it was all the stuff I've heard a thousand times from him. You know, I'm not really choosing my boyfriend over you two. YOU are choosing your wish for a korean son-in-law over your own daughter.
If you're going to be as impersonal as to ask for your money back, i'm gonna be just as impersonal and say i want all my stuff from the Toronto house. And I got them with the money I earned as a kid and pictures I drew with hours of work...so don't you dare throw them out. Tell me when you're moving and I'll try to come and take them.
Ah. also, I owe dad about 60 000 dollars, not 75 000. where did he get that number anyway? He gave me about 14000 a year in med school. Three times that is not even 45000. He gave me about 10000 to 15000 in university. Is he forgetting that he didn't pay for all my stuff when I went to U of T? I made about 10 000 working when i was there and I got over 10 000 osap. I don't think I've taken even 60 000.
You know, sis used to give me gifts when whe was young and then take it back if she got angry at me afterwards... It's really good to know that dad is about as mature and petty as sis when she was ten. You guys should really grow up. And all this after he's always told me "we worked so hard for that money, you should be grateful." Well. I'm not going to be very grateful after this, am I?
Aren't you ashamed of yourselves? I think you should be. We ARE a success case. I can be so happy if things were different.
Tell Dad to don't whine about his chest pains and back pains months after he had them. If he wanted me to be concerned about them, he should have called me and talked to me. Not much I can do to be concerned about his chest pains when I didn't know about it because he's refusing to talk to me, right?
I don't understand why you're moving to Vancouver when houses are cheaper in Toronto than Vancouver. I thought it was supposed to be a good economical decision? And you have all your friends in Toronto. What are you thinking?
I don't understand.
Feeling kinda dysphoric at the moment. Took a moment to write an email to my mother. The parts in italics are from her email which was in Korean.
___
Hello.
I'm not quite sure what you expect me to say. I suppose Vancouver is a nice city. It has a large asian population so you might like it. It's closer to Korea too if you want to visit more often. If you want to move there, it really is your decision to make, not mine.
On this trip, I've gotten rid of a lot of wishes I had of you.
Are you sure? A few lines later, you say you're moving because me and my sister are not marrying someone you like. That doesn't sound like you have "gotten rid of a lot of wishes" What do you expect me to say? What do you want me to do?
I guess mommy thought in the corner of my heart that when we're old and sick and have no where to go, you'll help us. I'm glad that I've realized the reality before I got older and weaker.
I don't understand. How does marrying someone you don't approve of imply that i'm not going to care for you in old age? I bet if you stayed in Toronto, I'd take care of you if you got sick... even if you still kept disapproving of my boyfriend. The two are not related. I have no intention of giving him up. If I don't take care of you, that would be because you wouldn't let me because of your pride or stubborness, not because I didn't want to.
Do you realize what you're doing right now is like a little kid having a tantrum because you're not getting what you want? You always say that you must now realize that I am an adult... I want you to realize that YOU'RE an adult too. An adult making your own decisions. They're YOUR decisions. Don't tell me all that stuff about "not being loved by my daughters anymore". We don't even live in the same city. If you wanted to stay, I wouldn't be able to make you move. And I don't want you to move. But you're going to move. What do you expect me to say?
In the past, I've read your emails about not having hope and how it makes your chest hurt, etc. And how you love us but we don't love you.
You're really demonstrating that you love us right now. (I'm being sarcastic if you haven't noticed). Right. You love us so much that you're going to run away to the other side of the continent. I doubt that's what your doctor meant when he said "don't see your daughters for a little while". Do you want me to beg you to stay? Do you want me to say I'm going to give up my boyfriend and marry someone you like? You know that's not going to happen, right? What do you want me to say?
You're such a coward.
And don't stop taking antidepressants because people tell you to. It's bad to take them and then stop just because you feel like it. You may feel really bad right now, but depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain. The simplest way of dealing with it is to take antidepressants. You will NOT be on it forever. Depression is a self-limited disease that goes away in 6 months or so. Just bear with it for a few more months and you''ll be fine.
I'm only 25 and I've already had an episode of depression, probably as bad as the one you're having right now. And it was made worse by you and father. You do know that I have absolutely NO pity for you, right? You're both healty, retired with enough money to be happy and all your unhappiness is brought on by yourselves. Your greed, stubborness and really, quite unrealistic expectations.
Really. Get a life. Get a hobby. Find something else to be obsessed about.
How would YOU feel if I kept writing you emails like this every week?
_____
Example:
Dear Mother.
I am doing really badly in school.
I try so hard to be a good student but I keep thinking about how my parents hate me. I realize that I shouldn't expect them to love me since they haven't shown they love me for years. They were always abusing me and it seemes like all they want from me is prestige, work, connection to other korean families with prestige.
I cry every day because my parents don't love me. But I guess I can't do anything. I guess I'll just fail this year and never graduate because of them. But I still love them. (Aren't I a saint?)
Someday, I'll die and I hope they love me then. Or if I get sick, I hope they come and visit. But probably not. They don't love me.
______________________________
How's that? Multiply that by dozens and that's what I've put up with until now.
Really, what do you expect me to say?
I don't know what to say.
With saccharine sweet love,
your daughter.
I thought things were going quite well. With my parents, I mean. The last time my mom emailed a month ago, she didn't say she felt like dying like she usually does. She said that the anti-depressant was working really well.
Apparantly, feeling better had given her enough energy to... move to the other end of the continent. She just emailed saying she bought a little house in Vancouver. -_-;;; She will be moving there in September, apparantly. *sigh~~* I guess that makes being disowned official.
Working on new blog layouts. Coanteen needs to archive.... Archive....
On call yet again tomorrow. I think I was post call yesterday. On call much too often. -_-;;;
Bfie may not be able to visit until Sunday... Can't see him next weekend because of call so was hoping to see a lot of him this weekend. T_T Not getting laid enough.. T_T