Wednesday, September 12, 2001 01:48 a.m.

They cancelled all elective surgeries. All the surgeons were on call in case they send the patients over across the border. Last I heard, they had 60 000 units of blood ready to be shipped south if needed.

Monday, September 10, 2001 08:08 p.m.

Meta. I'm gonna get a domain for my blog... Would you like to share it with me?

Have allergies. Damn. Throat hurts. Ears itch. Eyes water. Damn.

Friday, September 7, 2001 01:44 a.m.

Finished the fluffy-sama picture. Ah. Sleeping schedule is screwed up again..but not too badly.

'TV boy' (why do I never refer to people by their names? -_-;;;) asked me to come to a party at of my classmates' cottage. Didn't know it was a sleep-over so told him I'd think about it. Still kinda thinking about it. Do I wanna go? Hm.

We're gonna have an anime watching party again next weekend. I think it's the third one we're having... since first year. We watched all of Eva and and the Eva movie in two sittings. I think we'll try His and Hers this time. Or Inu. I'm supposed to supply the anime.

Wednesday, September 5, 2001 01:57 a.m.

I feel like I've been whining too much these days. One good news... I have not cried even once today. And I don't feel like crying right now~! ^___^

School's not going very well. I think my tutors don't like me...and I'm gonna be stuck with them for a whole year.

Been drawing Fluffy-sama for the last few days with limited success.

Friday, August 31, 2001 01:08 p.m.

Have friends coming from out of town. Must clean before they get here... in a couple of hours. They're one of those "I don't want sex in marriage because it's vulgar. I want a platonic relationship" kind of friends. Must hide all my vulgar stuff... like that half finished half naked elf girl I was painting. We're fairly good friends.... but it seems like I have a whole chunk of my life hidden from them.

A guy from my class walked me home. He lives two minutes away... and I never knew. Actually, during the whole way home, I kept thinking "What is this guy's name? I really *should* know...but I don't." Seemed like he knew a lot more about me than I knew about him. He heard that I sleep during odd hours...and thought that was a sign of mental exhaustion. I told him I sleep a lot when I'm depressed...and he wanted me to talk about it to someone, even him if I wanted. He said that life is not about pain. I told him that sometimes, it is. Fortunately, we came to my apt and I quickly said 'good-bye'. Another minute with him, I would have started to cry. I feel so weak these days. I didn't used to cry to easily. Instead, I cried after the door was securely locked behind me in the apartment.

Friday, August 31, 2001 12:19 a.m.

Mommy called. I acted happy. Was I happy? Maybe. Not really... Mmm. She sounded pleased that I was cheerful. I guess I'm good enough of an actress to act happy for a few minutes. Few days ago when I last saw her, she told me "to not act cheap anymore" and "to be strong". I smiled at her. But it hurt.

Toilet. That's what it is. People think I'm a toilet. That's why they keep dumping shit on me. Right? That's what mom said. "Having sex is like shitting for a guy. He'll treat you like a toilet." And so he did. He just had to prove her right.

It's cold. And dark. I'm so tired...

Thursday, August 30, 2001 01:33 p.m.

I cried in class today.. I was ignoring *him* the past few days since school started...and he came to sit beside me during break and tried to talk. I just looked at him... and I started to cry. As soon as he saw me crying, he left.

Ugh... what a nice attitude he has... kinda like "I've treated you like shit and betrayed your trust but you've had three months to get over your womanly hysterics so you'll let me be your friend again, right?" WRONG!

My tolerance for shit is SO low right now. What with parents... him... and all those other people who treat me like shit. They treat me like shit repeatedly and think that I'll just smile and say that it's all okay - which used to be what I did a lot of the times. And if I get upset, they can just say it wasn't a big deal and try to make it into a joke...and repeat it over and over again. Well.. it *is* a big deal. I'm so hurt. And I can't stand it any more. I hate it.

Have I been so underserving of even the minimal amount of human respect? Was I such an insignificant and laughable little thing?

Wednesday, August 29, 2001 02:44 p.m.

My chest hurts. My left breast, actually. It's like a stabbing burning pain... and I've been having it off and on for the last few days. With my laughably limited medical knowledge, it can be one of a few things. One: I have breast cancer. -_-;;;; Two: It's a referred pain from the heart... and it's a sign that I'm about to have a heart attack. Three: It's nothing, like all those other aches and pains I have...(although I've never had one quite so sharp in such a specific place repeatedly...) Ah. We all die sometime... It does not matter....

I know I am in a slump when I am too dead to put up new posters on the wall. It always used to make me happy.... Or if I don't feel like eating even though I'm hungry. Or if I hate the music I'm listening to...but am to lazy to shut it off.

Supposed to visit a friend today in her new apt. I'll do that later. I'm wearing a headband with antennas made of pipe cleaners. Why? hm. I was too lazy to look for another one...and too lazy to take the antennas off. Or just not motivated. Why do I have them in the first place? I dunno. -_-;;; Who can understand the mind of a psycho? Even the psycho herself?

My friend went to the orientation class of her Med school. After meeting some people, a girl commented that she's probably "the weirdest person in the class." -_-;;; She felt flattered.... -_-;;;;;;;;; It worries me that that same friend thinks *I'm* a lot more weird than she is.

Feeling generally depressed. But what else is new? Kinda worried about Meta. Meta...if you're reading this. Time will take care of a lot of things (Esca strokes her non-existant beard). You'll have your moments someday. Try not to worry too much about what you cannot change...and I hope you make good friends in university. :) E-mail me your new address so that I can write to you...something other than emails..

Monday, August 27, 2001 06:56 p.m.

The picture to the left is a Kurapica fanart postcard I bought in Korea. Thus the bloody spiders.... I go and read Hunter x Hunter now...

Sunday, August 26, 2001 11:45 p.m.

I am going to get rid of my Jekki site in a couple of days... when I go back home. I guess the recent flame was a catalyst (although I hate to give the bitch the satisfaction...-_-) but I've been thinking of getting rid of it for a long while. I don't update the thing, I have really no intention of finishing the fic I have there.... and it's just so... neglected.

I've liked Jekki for four years...and it's been pretty hard. Most people think I'm wasting my time... and it's almost impossible to find a fellow Jekki fan... (it's sad...).

I guess my effection for Jekki has cooled enough that I just don't have the desire to defend myself all the time. Or maybe I'm just really really tired.

Friday, August 24, 2001 07:50 p.m.

I got a flame. I haven't been getting any for a while so it was kinda unexpected. Oh, well... I guess excitement (even negative ones) still exist in my life. It's pretty sad.

I've been cleaning my apartment for three days now. And it's finally clean... although I haven't done the laundry yet. I found 2 month old rice in the rice cooker with colorful molds on it. A whole ecosystem, I'm sure.